how to be late to work

last night i had 8 drinks. all of them different:

corona
sparks
stoli and soda (with a cherry that i threw at some guy and might have stained his white shirt. Sorry!)
bourbon and ginger
cabernet
pilsner urquell
stella

then i went and got some falafel, which i vaguely recall paying with a 100 dollar bill and making a woppoooosh! sound effect. so this morning i realize it's 9:21 am and my roommate/alarm clock, hasn't come down and showered. no, she's still in her bed, wearing last night's clothes. And this dude is on the couch, in his suit, tie which is still knotted in a double windsor, and these crazy shinycowboy boots.

so my strategy, when i'm late to work, is to dress nice. makes you feel good, makes you look good, makes it seem like you have a real, legitimate reason for being late. i'm telling my roommate this as she's all "fuck!fuck! fuck, i'm so fucked! i work on a construction site, I can’t dress nice – hey wait, you're wearing jeans!"
"yes, but these are my hot jeans*"
"hey aurelgrooves, you're hot!" yells the dude from the couch.

dude from the couch then rises, looking like he just got home from the office, and asks for toothpaste. he is disappointed when i tell him that at the pussy palace, we use our fingers to brush our teeth with chili. meanwhile, i'm sifting through the mess on the coffee table for my keys, trying to piece together what sortof weird these two were making this morning, at 4am.
apparently, guinness and flat champagne. as of nowunnamed, but that would makes nine, completely different drinks I drank last night. which now makes me late, drunk, hungover and HOT at work.

*oh and my jeans as it turns out are the same ones i wore last night, which totally smell like bar.