celebritology

this past weekend i was at a beach house in delaware where "hey, i'm in...delaware" jokes never get old at this beautiful 4 bedroom mansion (it's all about who ya know) with outdoor showers and three tiers of decks was littered in about a year's worth of...People magazine. and so i caught up, people. i saved myself a trip to LA, i'm a friggin expert, and this is what i have to say:
1. Xtina - you were, are, and will always be a slut. that whole blonde throwback to gwen stefani won't change a thing.
2. billy bob. yuck yuck yuck. he shows off being married to angelina as a way to stop people from thinking he's a greasy wannabe pedophile, but it doesn't work. his most recent interview is about how it's so easy to pick up chicks, bring them home and "seal the deal." dude, you're old and gross. to learn how to not be old and gross, see: George Clooney.
3. john mayer? meh.
4. i want to be a celebrity kid. like, just for a day. to have nicole kidman hold me in her arms, or long enough to pay back on tenth of my student loans, whichever comes first.
5. to the people who buy dresses that were worn on the red carpet for cheap! (read: thousands of dollars) - you're pathetic.
6. i'm sorry tomkat, but that is not your baby.
7. ashton and demi: i'm very intrigued. like, super intrigued.
8. what i want to see more of: stars like us! picking their noses, wedgies, etc...
9. nicole ritchie "i don't have an eating disorder, i have stress." does this stress come in a pill or a finger down the throat? your new bangs do look hot, though.
10. i will never sit down and read 17 issues of people magazine again. unless i'm in the check out line for a really, really long time. and besides, i think US weekly is way better.